Lockdown 3 is upon us and as with lockdown 1 it has rocked my world. I realised that my reactions to lockdown will be having an impact on my children, becuase in all honesty them being at school during lockdown 2 made it seem so much easier. I do not want my negative reactions to ever have long lasting impact on how they feel about themselves so have written this letter to help myself and them understand better. All our thoughts and feelings have impact on ourselves and those we interact with. Being able to understand yourself with compassion and love is vital in living a fulfilling life and being more loving and open to recieving love. If you are struggling with feeling loved or loving currently I can help you unpick the stories around this so you can allow this beautiful energy to flow with ease. You can contcat me to find out more on firstname.lastname@example.org
I want you to know first up how much I love you and how insanely proud of you I am every day.
The last 10 months have been incredibly challenging for everyone and it is insane how well you have adapted to everything that has been thrown at you. Between the two of you I have witnessed you learn new skills, push past anxiety and fears, be kind, be loving, open and honest. You have also both achieved high grades in exams, I mean seriously kids, most of us are just hanging in there and you two are cracking on and achieving great things in really not great scenarios, you inspire me to work harder and push through.
I realised yesterday that my own difficulties in being faced with another lockdown might in some way reflect badly on you, and I want you to know that my own struggles with lockdown in no way reflect how I feel about you; it is all my own stuff.
Honestly, I do struggle with suddenly having to be everything to everyone all day every day. It isn’t that I don’t want to, in fact I really enjoy helping you with your work, encouraging different ways of looking at things, creativity and genuine interest in all subjects, but it is full on, never ending and I fear that there isn’t enough of me to go around. I love hanging out with you, but I also love my own space with my own thoughts. I really need the headspace to think and feel my own stuff, and lockdown takes that away, and I find it difficult to adapt.
You see, us adults don’t actually have it all worked out, we are actually pretty scared that we are going to mess it all up, and as parents all we want is for our children to be happy, and it is scary when that is all on us with little or no support. Lockdown for me is like reliving becoming a mum for the first time, and it scares me.
When I first became a mum, I was totally rocked. I may seem confident and all knowing (well at least I hope I do!) But suddenly having this little life that I was responsible for with no clue of what to actually do was terrifying. I have never really believed in myself, quit most things as didn’t think I was good enough, and here I was with the most important of tasks, and I couldn’t quit, couldn’t walk away, I had to actually see it through, and it totally spun me out. I actually cared about something more than I had ever done before and desperately wanted to get it right, and was also acutely aware that I would be getting judged at every stage so was full of fear that I was doing it wrong. Every negative thought I had ever had about myself was magnified when I became a mother and I fell apart. I thank you for that as with falling apart I was able to understand myself better and be a far better person.
But back to today, and this is why I am writing you this letter, for you to understand if you need to, and also for others to understand how I, and I am sure many other parents feel. It isn’t that I don’t want to spend time with you, my difficulties with lockdown in no way reflect how I feel about you, how much I love you or how fricking awesome you are. My difficulties are purely based on being a flawed human (we all are, that is ok) who does not always believe in herself, is scared that all the fear and negative thought patterns will overwhelm her again and basically scared that I am not enough and that will in some way damage you.
So, when I tell you to go away, when you see my face fall because once again lockdown has been announced and that means 24/7 at home with you, when you see me reach for that 2nd glass of wine, or cry, or seem unhappy it is nothing and everything to do with you. My feelings and reactions are all part of my own struggles with myself and my deep desire to give you everything you deserve, happiness, health, knowledge, love and fulfilment.
So, all I ask of you, and perhaps a little bit of those who stand in judgement of others, please forgive me my imperfections and please accept my apologies for not always getting it right. I am forever thankful that I have you in my life, and needing a break or some help with that does not ever diminish that fact. Know that I love you, and recognise that I maybe need just a little help in loving myself, I was never taught that, so please lead by example and love your awesome self as much as I do.