So I went and buggered my back up! Haven’t done it this well for around 10 years. The thing with me is when I do it I do it good and proper, and that is because I don’t read the signs, in fact I damn well ignore them!
I have a history of back problems, stemming from my teenage years, I was diagnosed with hyper mobility syndrome or Ehlers danlos 3 (Heds) when I was in my early teens, back then it presented as weird bendy joints, unstable pelvis, stretchy skin and bruises, I would regularly lose the use of my legs short term, my fun party trick, apart from bending my fingers right back was to suddenly and for no apparent reason collapse!
I did a little bit of strengthening work post diagnoses, but being a very active (a lot of dancing!) teenager I was pretty strong, I re-learnt how to move my body correctly and pretty much lived with the condition without a second thought.
Then in my early 30’s pregnancy well and truly brought the ‘Heds’ to a head!! My pelvis basically fell apart, well not actually, but it was so unstable I couldn’t walk at 12 weeks pregnant, even crutches wouldn’t have helped as all my joints had turned to a sort of pointless mush!! Once again I had to relearn how to move my body, gain the strength (and a damn good back belt) to stabilise my body. It got better, I got through the pregnancy.
Now in my 40’s age has actually worked in my favour! My weird elastic skin seems to be coping alright with the ravages of life and 2 kids, and my joints are actually getting stiffer, so the hypermobile joints are less of an issue, yay! I am far more knowledgeable about how to look after my body. Daily yoga, healthy diet, less toxins feeling good. I do now suffer from more of the internal conditions of Heds, digestive and neurological mainly, but externally all is better.
Except apparently it isn’t! Apparently if you work double the hours you know is good for you, stop doing your daily yoga due to fatigue, ignore feeling constantly overwhelmed by all life is throwing at you, have an inability to say no, have nagging one sided hip pain, ribs so tight you struggle to breathe deeply, a constant headache and feel like if you stop the world will come tumbling down, what will happen is the universe will go STOP!!!!!
STOP ignoring your physical pain, you do not need to be a martyr to your family and work.
STOP being so tired you can’t think straight.
STOP putting everyone else’s needs before your own
STOP trying to grow angel wings by being everything to everyone, you are no angel!
STOP losing sight of who you are, a mere human.
The universe literally pulled the rug out from under me so that I will stop and learn these lessons before I actually burn out.
I sat at my chiropractors barely able to move as he tried his best to find a way to help me and had tears streaming down my face. Not because of the pain, yeah I was hurting a lot, and no pain relief was helping at that point, the tears were of utter frustration that I could not stand up, were frustration at seeming weak, were tears of shame at being this vulnerable and needing the help of others.
My body was so wrecked by work and life that my poor chiropractor didn’t know where to begin. You see, I love my job, like really love it, I love my clients, I love the difference I make to people’s lives to the point of having zero boundaries. To the point of forgetting to properly ground myself, to the point of taking on everyone’s ‘stuff’. I had become an emotional and energetic sponge, just taking it all on my shoulders. And this does not make me a great therapist, I can still be a great therapist whilst grounding myself, whilst honouring my boundaries. My body, my brain, my energetic self has literally lost itself. My psoas muscle is hanging on for dear life thinking I am falling apart, my arms think they are on backwards, my spine apparently thinks its a snake doing a funky dance, and my neurological system is basically drunk in the corner of this weird party!
I fall into the classic wounded healer archetype, which means I can nicely frame any suffering I experience as having a purpose, so my exhaustion and physical pain was all for the greater good (gah!!)
I can laugh at myself now (all be it gingerly as laughing hurts!) But there are serious lessons to be learnt here.
I am a true believer in everything is working out for me, and have been doing a lot of work recently to not only say these words but feel and believe them to my very core, so what is it that I need to learn so that this situation works out for me.
I need to learn that the world does not fall apart if I don’t do everything, I need to appreciate all that I do for my family, for my clients, for my friends. I need to recognise that I have lots of great people in my life who are there for me. The messages of loving support I have had from my friends is truly lovely, I am feeling very loved, but do recognise in this situation the camp where not so much love is incoming, and that is from myself. I am still beating myself up over being vulnerable, weak and needy. I need to work on my self-acceptance and self-love!
There are lots of practical and spiritual things I can do to help me with my overload with work, I just forget to do it, because again I am not thinking about myself. But once I am back on my feet I will be sure to ground myself, to clear space, to create more time for me, instead of merrily helping everyone else, to avoid dealing with my own stuff!
So today I am going to gratefully accept all help offered, I am going to find peace with my situation, cancel more clients next week (I am sorry, I promise I will make it up to you!) I will give some thought to finding creative outlets as a passion, I have lost myself a little, and maybe, just maybe I need to accept that me not being able to put socks on is a sure and definite message that I should move to a sunny country where socks are no longer required!
Much love to you all, I will be back on my feet full of love and light very soon xx