Sometimes I feel scared-owning and rising from the feelings of depression

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by persephone moir

04-05-2018

Sometimes I get scared.


Scared of the future, scared of the now.


Sometimes I feel weak, my body, my mind.


 


“Don’t make a fuss” I was told, which translates as “You are not worth the fuss”


 


 


Weakness leaves me vulnerable, I feel unsafe. Don’t be a burden, don’t rely on anyone. To rely on another means you can’t cope, means you are weak.


 


 


“You can’t rely on anyone” I was told, “Be strong, be independent” I was told which translates to “You are not enough to care about, you are on your own in this”


 


BE MINDFUL OF YOUR WORDS


 


 


The people who uttered these words to me said them from a place of love, they were the words that were true for them, they were words uttered in a way to protect me from the pain they had felt, they were their truth, but not mine, which is why they got so messed up in translation, why they have caused me so much pain.


I believe that in life, our own experience, our own truths are just that, ours. That does not mean that they are right for everyone else. We can share our experience but never presume that the listener is in the same place as you. Accept that we all need different things, we all come from different places, and love for everyone is different. To recognise our own needs, our own weaknesses we can then own them and not presume to pass them on to others, no matter how well meaning.


For me, to be vulnerable, to rely on another is my ultimate strength because it pushes me outside of my comfort zone of ‘strong woman’ So when I feel weak, when I feel scared of what the future holds for me I need to sit with it a while, I need to accept help, I need to admit that I am not ok. I need to be ok with not doing everything.


For me accepting and recognising where my weakness lies gives me space to grow, but this is not the case for everyone.


Some people need to know that they can cope, that they are strong, that they are ok by themselves, that they are enough, that they can do this.


My ongoing struggle with depression is up and down. I manage it with herbal supplements, but this in itself causes me struggles, as I don’t want to rely on pills (be they natural or synthetic) to feel ok. But I do need to. I need this support, and I know this because when I come off of them, I crumble. I become numb to joy, my body and my mind hurt. I cry myself to sleep some nights, I feel like a failure because I am not happy, I feel I need to apologise to everyone who loves me because I am not happy, I feel bereft, I feel so ungrateful of all the good stuff in my world, my husband, my children, my friends, my life. I self-sabotage, I fall into negative self-talk.


But do you know what is ok about all of this? I know that I am ok being not ok. I know that it will pass, that I can pick myself up off the ground. I allow myself to feel the feelings, the ones I feel ashamed of, because I should be able to cope, I am the carer, the healer, I can’t fall apart, I must be strong to support others-not true. Because it is in feeling them, and then turning away from them and doing all the stuff I talk to my amazing clients about that makes me feel better. It is being true to myself and my beliefs that allows me to hold space with an open heart and kindness.


I spent years abusing my body, disowning the feelings, ‘coping’ being ok, being strong and sassy, but now I choose to be the real me, the slightly damaged, bit wobbly (physically and mentally) imperfect, caring, loved, generous, sometimes sad human. I allow sadness in so that I can be supported, I allow love in because I need it, and I now turn my focus towards the good, the positive, I take the steps I know will work to welcome more joy into my life.


Dark and light, without one I don’t experience the other fully. From allowing my vulnerability to surface I will grow and take the steps I need to feel the way I want to feel.


Today I step into the sacred Lomi lomi principle of Mana-all the power of transformation and evolution comes from within.


Sometimes I feel scared, sometimes I feel weak.  I welcome love, expansion comes.


I am enough


I am loved


I release negativity from my body and mind, letting it flow away creating space for growth and love.


Connecting with Mana, connecting body and mind healing through the practice of Lomi Lomi.


Aloha x


 


 


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